The Fletch Drinking Game

Boy, what in the hell is the matter with you? Purge all thoughts of The Chevy Chase Show or Snow Day and remember a time when Mr. Chase actually made you laugh. There was Caddyshack, National Lampoon’s Vacation, and Spies Like Us—but none could compare to Fletch. The most quotable movie ever made is a must-have for any self-respecting movie collection. So sit back, pop open a can of Coors, garnishee your wages, and prepare to laugh yourself into drunken stupor. The Rules: Print out this page and chill a generous reserve of your favorite vintage of beer. Keep a bottle of vodka, tequila, or gin nearby. (This is just a good idea anytime.) Pop Fletch into the VCR—if you’re lucky it’ll be on TV—and settle into the ass groove of your couch. Order a pizza and charge it to Mr. Underhill’s credit card. Take One Drink When: Fletch uses any of the following identities: Ted Nugent, Arnold Babar, Dr. Rosenpenis, Mr. Poon, Harry S. Truman, Igor Stravinsky, or John Cocktolstoyln. Fletch charges something to Mr. Underhill’s account. He uses a disguise (false teeth, doctor’s scrubs, bandages, wigs). Larry assists him in any way (researching, scratching that hard to reach place on his back). Take an extra drink when she does both simultaneously. (Hint: Microfilm) He uses a random Spanish phrase. (Example: Sierra del fuego.) He gets his visit from Arnold T. Pants, Esq. Provo, Utah is mentioned. (“It’s between Wyoming and Nevada. You’ve seen pictures.”) He uses lingo to cover his ass. (Example: “He said he had melanoma, carcinoma…some kind of anoma.”) He mentions his byline, Jane Doe. Chick Hearn and Kareem Abdul-Jabar discuss Fletch’s mad b-ball skills. (“This gritty kid from the streets of Harlem really creates excitement.”) Fletch actually shows up at the newspaper office. Do an extra drink every time Frank, his editor, yells at him. He says, “Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.” He makes any mention of the Lakers. He goes back to his apartment “for a second wind of beer and a wardrobe change.” Every time Fat Sam uses the term “free junk.” He asks for “a glass of hot fat, and the head of Alfredo Garcia.” Any reference is made to bone cancer. Anyone or anything gets whacked with a tennis racket. (It happens twice.) You see a Stanwyk wedding photo anywhere (on desks, in photo albums, etc.) Fletch uses his “service entrance.” He tells Gail to call him Fletch. Take Two Drinks When: Fletch tells Gail to call him Irwin. Gummy gets arrested. You hear the phrase “no, never, never.” (Hint: It happens twice, one involves a tape recorder.) He says, “It’s so simple, maybe you need a refresher course—HIIAA!—It’s all ball-bearings nowadays!” Chief Karlin threatens to kill him. He mentions his story about “off-track betting in the Himalayas.” He shows a photo of the Mormon Tabernacle. He offers to buy Frank some new deodorant. You see a blown-up newspaper with the headline, “Leftovers are Haute Cuisine?” You see the ugly dog photo over his bed. Do a Shot When: Maurice and Pierre Cavanaugh are mentioned. Alan Stanwyk wears a Lakers jersey. He tells Arnold T. Pants to “get [himself] a nice piece of ass.” You see the “Mr. Potato Head” TV commercial. (Hint: Igor Stravinsky.) Fletch says, “…that pederast, Hanerhan.” Fletch sings his version of “Strangers in the Night.” (“Strangers in my pants…”) Finish Every Remaining Drop of Alcohol in Your Possession If: You can’t get the theme song “Bit by Bit” out of your head an hour after you finished watching. (Have you heard the news?/Makin’ all the headlines/Fletch is workin’ overtiiiiiiiiiiiimme!)